


Hold My Hand and Follow Me Home

by Yullenpyon



Series: Hold My Hand on This Ride Called Life [15]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, College Student Lydia Martin, Dating Stydia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Stiles Stilinski, F/M, FBI Agent Stiles Stilinski, Hurt Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin Loves Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin/Stiles Stilinski Feels, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Original Character(s), Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Past Violence, Relationship Issues, Scared Stiles Stilinski, Self-Esteem Issues, Stiles Stilinski Feels, Stiles Stilinski Feels Guilty, Stiles Stilinski Has Nightmares, Stiles Stilinski Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Stiles Stilinski Has Panic Attacks, Stiles Stilinski Loves Lydia Martin, Stressed Stiles Stilinski, Stydia, Therapy, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, intimacy issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28441179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yullenpyon/pseuds/Yullenpyon
Summary: After being attacked by a siren Stiles' recovery is long and full of setbacks, good thing Lydia has no plans on leaving her boyfriend's side.Companion/Follow up to one of my earlier stories:Hear My Voice and Say You're Mine
Relationships: Lydia Martin/Stiles Stilinski
Series: Hold My Hand on This Ride Called Life [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994626
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Hold My Hand and Follow Me Home

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:
> 
> There is mentions of past rape, past sexual violence, past assault, blood, mental breakdowns, trauma/recovery, self-worth issues and PTSD.
> 
> In my previous story Hear My Voice and Say You're Mine I skipped over a lot of Stiles' recovery process because I couldn't find a good place for it and had thought about writing a second chapter for that story but I ended up choosing to write a companion story that goes over his recovery. If you haven't read my previous story I highly recommend reading it before this one. 
> 
> This one is going to be in two parts since it started getting way longer than I had originally planned with the second part coming out sometime in January once I get it to my liking. Hope you guys enjoy!

Stiles wakes up in a series of stages. In the first stage he can’t move or open his eyes but he can hear a chorus of low, concerned voices talking about flushing out some sort of toxin, some sort of head thing he can’t really understand along with setting some broken ribs and repairing a punctured lung. He can also hear some sort of mechanical beeping and muttered comments in how it's a miracle someone, a male by what he can make out of the low voices, is still even alive with their injuries. The injuries the voices speak of sound like they should be familiar to the young FBI agent, something he should be intimately aware of but for the life of him he can’t seem to remember or think of a reason why. The second stage happens soon after the first, bringing with it an intense, painful burning that spreads throughout his veins and floods his body with liquid fire. The magma in his veins is accompanied by the twitching of his limbs and a heavy, overwhelming weight surrounding his chest. The pressure feels like it’s crushing his lungs, stealing the air right out of his organs and leaving the young agent struggling to breathe as his face twists in pain, the action going unnoticed by the voices surrounding him. The third and final stage happens slowly as hazy memories of the agent and his partner meeting their mentors, getting assigned their first official case and heading out to investigate drift through his mind before the blurry images start to sharpen and twist, flashing confusingly through his mind. Visions of his heart surprising him at his hotel room ease the young agent’s rapid heartbeat before his brow begins to furrow again as confusion washes over him when the memories begin to warp, changing the image of his beautiful heart to a demented, deformed creature that drags its claws through his skin and digs them deep into his mind, stripping away every inch of control he has over his body. Stiles can do nothing, frozen in place by some force he doesn’t understand as he watches the creature wearing a twisted mask of his heart's face forces him to betray his heart. The FBI agent can feel tears running down his face, desperately fighting to break free from the invisible force holding him still as the masked creature leads him towards his heart with the intention of killing it by using his own hands to achieve its twisted goal. Stiles has no choice but to watch in horror as he attacks his heart, his body frantically chasing after it with intense determination as his heart begs and pleads with him to stop, to find a way back to it. The last thing he remembers is slamming the knife towards his heart’s terrified face, his eyes snapping open to nothing but blurry shadows and bright lights as the force holding him still disappears, allowing him to quickly bolt out of the horizontal position he finds himself in before screaming and clawing at hands reaching out for him, desperate to find the creature who killed his heart. Stiles can feel something stuck in his throat, grabbing at it desperately to take it out so he can breathe as he struggles to avoid the hands grabbing at him, lashing out at any that get too close before he feels a sharp pinch to the side of his neck. The slight pain gives way to a numbness that spreads quickly throughout his body forcing his movements to become sluggish before stopping them all together despite his best efforts to continue fighting. He is just barely able to rip the thing out of his throat before he can no longer move, whispering weak raspy pleads to release him, begging the shadows for freedom so that he can find her and kill the bitch who took his heart from him. The shadows above him shake as if telling him that they won’t help him avenge his heart making him scream out for vengeance before another sharp pinch breaks through the numbness, sending him back towards the darkness to relive the visions of his heart’s death over and over again.

The next time Stiles wakes up it isn’t in stages like previously, instead one moment he is watching the death of his heart for what feels like the millionth time and then the next his eyes are snapping open to nothing but white, his arms chained down and close to his chest that no long feels heavy. Anger flares in his chest as he takes in the restraining jacket and the padded cell he's chained to the floor in, the realization that he is trapped in here while the thing that destroyed his precious heart roams free, looking for her next victim. Stiles screams, his voice broken and deranged as he violently rolls to his feet and thrashes against his restraints, moving around the room wildly until a familiar voice rings in his ears. The world around him narrows in, his body freezing as his heart’s voice graces his ears, softly calling for him, the thing in his chest beating wildly out of control while his mind tries to understand what’s happening. Stiles tilts his head slowly to allow his eyes to see what his mind is telling him to is nothing but a lie, his body frozen as he catches sight of his heart’s face, looking at him with an expression he isn’t able to understand before her image changes and becomes corrupt. Her beautiful face deforming, twisting into the creature’s image, its face shifting into a cruel, mocking smile as it uses his heart’s voice to mock him. Stiles' veins burn as fury engulfs his body, sending him lunging forward at the creature wearing his heart’s face, uncaring of the chains holding him down, desperate to ripe the bitch limb from limb to avenge the death of his heart. The agent’s throat burns as he screams at the thing standing there, teasing him, mocking his loss, watching as he tries to reach it only to fail again and again, his efforts stooped by the chains holding him down. The creature continues to stare mockingly as Stiles struggles to stand up, exhausted from fighting against the restraints, his face pressed against the padded floor, hot tears painting his skin while they escape from his eyes. He is at the creature’s mercy, unable to do anything while chained down to avenge his beloved heart. 

“Lyds…I'm sorry…I'm so, so sorry…I didn’t mean to…I didn’t want to…Baby I love you…Please forgive me Lyds…I didn’t…STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME…JUST LEAVE ME ALONE…HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH TO US…TAKEN ENOUGH FROM ME!!”

Stiles feels his voice crack as he screams at the creature before him, the façade of his heart it wears sends an unbearable pain through his chest. The anguish he feels deep in his chest paired with the burning in his veins makes him delirious with a need for vengeance that slowly consumes his mind, intensifying the longer he stares at the creature mocking his pain. When the creature calls his name again using his heart’s melodic voice Stiles absolutely loses it, lunging forward at it with the intent to kill it once and for all, momentarily forgetting about the chains holding him down, before they lock into place once more and send him back towards the cushioned floor. The FBI agent sobs as his legs give out from under him, gravity pressing his face deeper into the soft floor padding while he curls into himself and begs his heart to forgive him, snarling harsh words at the creature every time it calls for him. The creature continues to stare at him, calling for him despite his threats and venom soaked words, its body trembling in what the young agent can only guess is glee over its victory, teasing him with its tear soaked borrowed eyes, eyes that he used to love staring into and now will never see again other than on this cruel replica. Stiles’ chest pulses in agony as he begs the creature to just leave him alone before a flicker of hope blossoms when he catches sight of his partner entering the room. His eyes widen with excitement and hope as he struggles to push himself into a kneeling position while Anna approaches, calling out to his partner with glee.

“Anna, Anns thank god you’re here! You need to help me, you need to get rid of it!”

“Stiles…”

“NO ANNS LISTEN! We don’t have time, you need to do this before it gets you too. You need to kill it for me Anns, please kill it! KILL THAT THING THAT KILLED MY HEART!! ANNS PLEASE, PLEASE I NEED YOU! ANNA NO GET AWAY FROM IT, ANNA PLEASE DON’T DO THIS ME! FUCKING KILL IT PLEASE! ANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Stiles screams hysterically, betrayal flaring in his chest as he watches his partner comfort the creature who stole his heart from him, leading it away to safety instead of avenging his heart for him. Stiles wails, desperately begging his partner for help as she walks away from him, ignoring his pleads and allowing the thing that destroyed his beloved heart to get away with its crime against him. Collapsing against the floor Stiles sobs, the burning pain in his veins, the emptiness in his chest and the taste of his partner’s betrayal on his tongue sends him over the edge, straight into the panic attack that’s been building up since he woke up without his heart. Gasping for air as his lungs struggle to work, the last thing he sees are the shadows from earlier coming back to haunt him before the world goes black and the visions of his heart’s death return with a vengeance. When Stiles surfaces from the relentless torture the darkness brings he’s meet with the return of the blinding whiteness, a thick fog stuffed inside his skull and a pinching sensation in his hand that has the young agent twisting against the soft floor until he catches sight of an IV line attached to his hand. Fear pulses through his body, his mind racing to figure out when the line had been attached and what the shadows were pumping into him. A stray thought of the creature and its connection to the shadows flickers to life in his head, growing until the young agent is convinced the shadows are agents of the thing that stole his heart from him. Stiles grits his teeth, his chest burning with fury as he glares at the IV before he lunges forward, grabbing at the IV with his teeth and bucking backwards to pull it out of his hand, crying out in pain when the needle rips out of his skin. His victory is short lived when the door of his cage opens and blurs of white flood the room bringing with them cold hands that grab at him and hold down as the needle is reattached. His ability to move and fight slowly leaves him as the hands pull away, leaving the young agent struggling to move against the floor while a cool numbing wave spreads up the veins in his arm and move throughout his body. Slumped against the floor, unable to move anything below his neck, Stiles can’t help but release a frustrated scream, fear coursing through his veins as he’s abandoned by the white blurs to the creature wearing his heart’s face. The young agent isn’t sure when the creature returned to renew its mockery of his loss but his jaw clenches as he stares down his heart’s murderer, the fear in his body twisting and shifting into a burning anger.

“YOU AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? YOU ALREADY RUINED EVERYTHING! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID BITCH!”

Stiles snarls viciously, spit flying from his mouth as he jerks his head aggressively, his glare burning into the creature’s stolen form. Satisfaction runs down his spine at the sharp flinch he gets from the thing masquerading as his heart before scowling when it strengthen its resolve and holds his gaze, staring back at him with an expression the young agent can’t quite understand. The longing looks the creature sends his way as it silently watches him from beyond the glass throws him for a loop, unable to figure out what it wants other than to mock him and gloat about its victory. There is dense fog surrounding his mind making his thoughts slow and scattered as he tries to uncover its goals other than the one to torture him. The longer it stares at him the more vicious his words are, the only weapon he has against the thing before him since his body still refuses to move after the white blurs visit. 

“Keep mocking me by looking like her and when I get out of here I promise you’ll never look at another thing in this universe again.”

The low pure venomous snarls and blatantly violent threats fly out of his mouth one after another, the burning need to eviscerate the thing before him growing with each passing moment that it just stands there, seemly unfazed aside a few flinches and hurt looks. Stiles is convinced they are all just a apart of the act its using to trick his partner and those around him, something he refused to fall for, especially when its dares to call him like his heart did. The creature always stays for what he assumes must be hours, mocking him as it tries to sink its claws back into him in order to trick him again before it switches with his partner. He has no idea what it’s done to his partner and friend to make the brilliant magician believe it to be his heart but he refuses to give up trying to show her the truth. 

“Anns please, you’re one of my best friends you need to see its playing you so it can continue hurting me. Wearing her face like, like it's its own…I…I need you to kill it please…”

“Sti…I promise you man, it’s dead. That’s…”

“NO! NO IT’S INFECTED YOUR MIND! IT’S NOT HER! IT’S NOT LYDIA! YOU NEED TO KILL IT! PLEASE ANNA I’M BEGGING YOU TO DO THIS FOR ME! IT KILLED MY HEART AND I CAN’T, I WON’T LET IT LIVE FOR THAT!”

Tears roll down his face as he frantically wiggles his still partially paralyzed body closer to his partner, furious at the white blurs for whatever they put in his IV that makes it impossible for him to move, while desperately begs for her to see the truth. His chest throbs as his partner shakes her head, trying to convince him once more of the lie that thing has weaved into the Magician’s head before she looks at something just out of his sight and sadly tells him that they will be back tomorrow. 

“ANNS PLEASE NOOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WHILE ITS ROAMS FREE! ANNA PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU! HELP ME PLEASEEEEEEE!”

His voice cracks, hiccupping as he chokes on his sobs, overwhelmed by the pain he feels from his loss and his partner’s refusal to help him avenge his heart. Pressing his face against the soft cotton of the padded floor Stiles cries, calling out to his heart for forgiveness for his actions against her and promising vengeance for the wrongs made against them. After three numbing injections by the blurs, the freezing IV and the visits from his enemy and his hopefully soon to be ally in his quest for vengeance Stiles has nothing left more to give, his chest hollowed and empty from the pain as he slumps against the floor, his eyes drooping from exhaustion before they fall closed, dragging him back to the torture of the darkness. 

His days consists of the same motions, starting with the blurs and their liquid numbness, moving on to the thing’s mocking before finishing with his pleading falling on the deaf ears of his partner, who continues to insist that his heart is alive and the one visiting him instead of the thing that stole her image. He had long since lost track of how many days he had been locked up in this white cage, only able to tell the time based on the visits he receives. The only bright side of his endless days was that the fog that had long been covering his mind, making everything harder to see, think and feel had slowly been dissipating, making his thoughts easier to put together. He would have been relieved had his thoughts not focused on Anna’s words and the creature’s bizarre and confusing behaviour instead of his plans for revenge more often than not. His words towards the thing he knows for sure is the creature that stole his heart from him haven’t lost their sharp edges and he knows deep down that they are deserved. However he’s noticed lately that the words he receives from Anna are starting to swirl around and stick in his mind, the picture they paint making more and more sense as the days go on, despite his resolve to avenge his heart. 

“Stiles I've never lied to you or led you astray in the three years we’ve known each other, so think to yourself, why would I start now? Why would I lie to you about Lydia’s safety? I know she is the most important thing in the world to you. So M ask yourself, why would I tell you that is the real Lydia if that wasn’t the case?”

“I-I don’t know…I can’t…”

The crack and weakness in his voice stuns him, his resolve and certainty slowly beginning to crumble as he struggles to grasp Anna’s words. His partner levels him a pained look as he curls into himself while his minds goes into overdrive before she leaves him with a comment to figure it out, reminding him that he always figures it out. Stiles jolts at the familiar words, his chest throbbing as the memory of those words surfaces, letting of a choked sob when his mind realizes that the creature would have no way of knowing that memory and couldn’t have possibly told Anna about it. The young agent can feel his body shaking in horror and shame when the implications of that realization begin to hit him, his throat tightening up as a million thoughts race through his mind. No matter what he does Stiles can’t seem to breathe, desperately gasping through the impending panic as he struggles to get air into his lungs before he once again loses his battle to the darkness, images of his recent interactions with the creature playing instead of the last moments of his heart that he usually relives.

The next morning he doesn’t put up a fight while the doctors, what he now realizes where the blurs and shadows constantly surrounding him, set up his IV even going so far to mumble out a weak thank you to the one closest to him. With the fog almost gone and the last conversation with Anna ringing true in his head, Stiles understands now that they’ve been trying to help him this while time and doesn’t need to protect himself like he had believed. Knowing he won’t be alone for long Stiles pushes himself into seated position and glances towards the visitor booth as he takes a shuddering breath, trying to calm his racing heart and remember Anna’s words, that the visions of the creature haunting him was just a side effect of the toxins in his veins. The young agent’s head throbs painfully as he moans and shuts his eyes tightly, the pain making it hard to concentrate. His memories from since he initially woke up and from before are still a bit hazy and confusing but his mind is a lot clearer than it has been in a while and it’s his chance to finally make sense of what his mind is telling him versus what Anna has been saying to him during her visits. The familiar clicks of his girlfriend’s favourite heeled boots echo down the hallway, twisting his mind in confusion as remembers they are the shoes Lydia wears when she needs to give herself a boost of confidence before he cracks his eyes open to watch who or what enters his cage today. 

“Good Morning Sti, I brought you some of those donuts you love from Johnny’s Cafe and Dr. DeMantis said depending on how bad the venom flare ups are today, you will probably be able to have one.”

The hesitant tone and the slight waver of her voice as she greets him, clearly expecting the worst just based on her outfit choice and the fact she has yet to properly look at him, creates a heavy lump in his throat. ‘She always wears that dress when she needs a confidence boost.’ Stiles thinks as he watches her, his chest hurting at the thought of his beautiful girlfriend needing extra confidence just to be around him. Staring at her going through her daily routine makes the lump grow bigger and bigger the longer he looks, his mind racing as it catalogues everything he sees and crosschecks it with the knowledge he’s has about her. He has no idea how he could have ever possibly mistaken the goddess before him with that thing that tried to ruin them for one moment and he hates himself for ever being unable to tell them apart.. Watching her settle into the visitor booth reminds him of how in awe he was the first day of 3rd grade when he had seen her for the first time, this amazing strawberry blonde goddess who never let anything stop her from getting what she wanted. His chest tightens at the thought of his broken self being something she wanted enough to hold on through everything he said to her during her visits. The tightness in his chests twists painfully as waves of guilt, disgust and self-hatred explodes throughout his body while he takes in her nervous face at his continued silence. 

“Lyds…”

His cracked lips can only manage a whisper of her name but for the two of them it’s more than enough for Lydia to drop what she was fiddling with, her body completely frozen before she’s suddenly pressed against the acrylic separating them. Stiles can see her beautiful green eyes widen and fill with tears as she crouches to his level and meets his eyes with such a hopeful expression he almost has to look away from her, feeling unworthy of her affection at the moment. 

“Stiles oh my god, hey baby. Do you, do you…”

Her voice sounds so hurt yet so relieved at the same time that Stiles can't help but flinch violently into the wall behind him as her face suddenly morphs into a bloodied, bruised version begging him to stop using that same voice. Tears start to cascade down his cheeks while more images flash before his eyes, getting clearer and clearer as he relieves each and every thing he did to her while under the siren’s control. The memories are playing at high speed on repeat through his mind as the hazy fog concealing them slowly peels away with each replay of the series of events that led them here, the memories getting clearer and clearer until there’s nothing left to conceal them. The memories are bright and in vivid detail, every aspect of them so precise and meticulous he has no choice but to fully experience everything in HD. Stiles is vaguely aware of his heart calling for him, trying to anchor him back to reality but with the memories consuming him the only thing he’s capable of is a repeated, mumbled apology as he relives her almost murder at his hands, his hands that are already covered in so much innocent blood and had come so close to becoming drenched in hers as well. 

“Lyds…m’sorry…m’so sorry…”

‘She needs to know how sorry I am.’ The young agent thinks as he stares blankly at the goddess before him, his face soaked with tears and body shaking from the guilt and sorrow throbbing in his chest. If it hadn’t been for the restraints wrapped around his arms, Stiles is sure he’d be clawing at every inch of his skin that he used to injure her, his mind hysterically screaming at him to make sure she’s safe from him, that he’s still a danger to her, that he almost became her killer instead of the protector he’s always strides to be. While his mind screams killer at him, his heart screams traitor, the memories of his betrayal slamming into him one after another before they are followed by the ones his brain forces him to rewatch, the images continuously looping before his eyes. He’s so consumed by his memories, his fears and his immense guilt that he can’t hear the logical part of his brain that unsurprisingly sounds just like Anna, telling him it’s simply the venom still in his system before he is suddenly jerking backwards, desperate to get as far away as possible when his girlfriend opens the acrylic door to his cage. 

“NO! STAY AWAY! DON’T WANNA HURT YOU! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!”

Stiles screams, twisting frantically as he tries to crawl as far away as possible from his girlfriend, absolutely terrified of hurting her any more than he already has, her tear stained face from that night flashing through his head. He groans, biting his tongue hard before he screams again as he his back hits the far side corner hard in his mad scramble away from the banshee, his heart is beating so quickly in absolute terror that he’s positive it’ll explode any second and save everyone anymore trouble. Lydia takes a slight step back with wide fear filled eyes, stumbling a bit before a small group of doctors rush into the room, one of them grabbing his girlfriend and pulling her out of his small cage and away from his dirty, tainted hands to somewhere she’ll be safe from him while the rest of them pin him to the floor. A familiar sharp pinch to his neck sends that cooling numbness through his body as he slumps to the floor, his eyes blurring out before his heart enters his line of sight again being held at bay by the white blurs. A lopsided grin slides across his face as one thought forms in his mind before he slips into the blackness of the void. 

“Goo’ Lyds ‘afe now.” 

Lydia is breathing hard, her heart racing and her eyes filling with tears after hearing her boyfriend’s slurred words as he’s held down and sedated. The banshee has no idea what happened or how everything went so wrong so quickly, especially after the immense joyous relief she had felt when Stiles had finally recognized her and called her name instead of his usual harsh venom filled words that she had been dealing with for the last two and half weeks. She had been so happy they had finally started making progress that she had wanted to pull him into her arms to celebrate but her happiness had immediately fizzled out when she had noticed the terrified look on Stiles face and the choking sound he had been making. Lydia had tried everything to get his attention before he had started wheezing as if he couldn’t breathe causing her heart to clench in fear. Worried for him she had gone to open the door to check on him but that had turned out to be a huge mistake when Stiles had freaked out, screaming and begging her to stay away from him, crying that he didn’t want to her hurt again as he scrambled to get as far as possible from her. The last 5 minutes had left the banshee feeling rubbed raw and completely unsettled, her heart throbbing in pain as she stares at her boyfriend’s tear stained slack face, barely hearing Dr. DeMantis ask her what had caused Stiles’ outburst. 

“He…He recognized me and then it was like he wasn’t there anymore. His eyes went wide, glassy and filled with fear and then he started making these choking sounds that turned into this laboured wheezing. I-I thought he couldn’t breathe so I went to open the door to check on him and then suddenly it was like a switch turned on inside him. Stiles…he started screaming, begging me to get away from him…Yelling that he didn’t want to hurt me again. God he was so scared that he was going to hurt me, he literally smiled, relieved when you were sedating him.”

“Mmmh my best guess is that it’s probably a side effect of the venom still in his veins. Most of it should be out by now, meaning the siren’s last order and its influence should be almost gone, if not completely gone by now but as we theorized early on in his treatment there will be some lasting effects from the amount of venom that was in his body and the wide range of things that he could experience makes it difficult to predict. For now we are going to need to ensure he feels safe around you and reinforce the notion that he’s not a threat to you. I need to update the Director about this new development, please excuse me.”

Dr. DeMantis gives the banshee a quick nod before joining his colleagues as they make their way down the hallway, talking quietly amongst themselves about what had just happened before turning the corner and disappearing from her sight. Her hands are shaking as she smooths out the non-existent wrinkles in her dress, a habit she had picked up over the years of dealing with the supernatural to help soothe her nerves. The banshee walks back into the visitor’s booth and heads straight to her bag, pulling out a small cushion she brought to sit on before placing it in the corner and sitting on it, curling up against the acrylic as she watches Stiles sleep while her mind tries to make sense of everything. Anna finds her a few hours later, staring sadly at her boyfriend’s unconscious form, her Master’s program information packet laying forgotten in her lap. The other girl simply said nothing, choosing to sit beside the banshee and offer her comfort as they stared at the man who meant the world to the two of them. 

“Hey come on let’s head home, you had a day and I don’t think Sti is going to wake up anytime soon. You can come back to see him tomorrow ok?”

Nodding the banshee wordlessly packs up her things, taking one last look at her unconscious boyfriend Lydia prays to any deity listening that the two of them will get through this before she follows the magician out. She won’t lie and say Stiles’ venom fueled words haven’t hurt over the last few weeks but she knows that it wasn’t really her he was talking to and she refuses to let them get to her. ‘I pulled him out of another dimension, if that didn’t break us neither will this.’ Lydia thinks as she and Anna head home, the words having become her mantra to help her get through each day of Stiles’ recovery.

The room he’s been confined to these last few weeks is dark when Stiles slowly opens his drug heavy eyes, blinking sluggishly as he looks around before sighing in relief when he realizes he’s alone, his mind telling him it is for the best that Lydia is as far away as possible from him. There’s a painful twinge in his chest when he thinks of the beautiful banshee, a longingness to hold the love of his life close that he squishes down into the dark corners of his being, terrified of hurting her again. Stiles struggles to swallow with the massive lump in his throat, every fibre of his being wrought with guilt and disgust over his actions. Not only did he betray Lydia’s trust and their relationship by sleeping with that thing but the things he did and said to her were so unforgivable he has no idea why she is even still by his side. ‘I don’t deserve her and she would be safer without me in her life.’ Stiles thinks as he sluggishly rolls over onto his side to face the back wall, staring blankly at it, tears running down his face. He chokes back a sob as his mind replays the memories of his attack on his girlfriend, reinforcing the notion in his brain that she was only ever going to be in danger being around him. His eyes burn, tears stinging as they drip from his face at the thought of being separated from Lydia, the banshee being one of the most important people in his life but he knows that he would rather live the rest of his life in agony of not having her by side and alive than her dead because of him and his actions. Having made up his mind, determined to keep the woman who he holds so near and dear to his heart safe, Stiles lies against the padded floor as he works out a plan to keep Lydia safe from himself. 

The young agent wasn’t sure how long he’s been lying there when he heard the familiar click clacks of her heels against tiled floor, his eyes burning from the tears, exhaustion and the bright lights that had turned on a while ago after someone attached an IV to his arm. Stiles’ mouth starts to tremble, his throat tightening up while his eyes widen in fear as the sound of Lydia’s voice reaches his ears, offering him a soft good morning as if not wanting to spook him. Forcing himself not to turn towards his girlfriend Stiles squeezes his eyes shut tight, suppressing a choked sob when Lydia calls his name, her voice wavering ever so slightly that he would have missed it if he wasn’t currently hyper aware of her. He can hear her getting closer to the acrylic that separates them, his body tensing slightly before he curls into his chest, doing everything he can to ignore the hurt he can hear in his girlfriend’s voice as she begs him to look at her. The last thing Stiles wants to do is continue hurting Lydia but he knows deep in his heart that he needs to do this, needs to push her away from him so he can no longer hurt her. The choked sounds of her calling his name, her wavering begging, pleading with him to look at her sends him right back to that hot June evening. Her bleeding, crying face that had been riddled with fear as she had begged him to stop fills his mind, consuming his sense until he can no longer tell what has happened and what's currently happening. The sound of her crying mixes with his soft sobs as he continues to ignore her, his heart pounding painfully in his chest when he hears the clicking of her heels before he realizes Lydia isn’t trying to come in again, instead she's leaving, leaving him. The agent is shaking, completely distraught as the click clack of her heels getting harder and harder to hear until they are gone completely. Despite wanting her to leave for her own safety, the fact that she’s gone, that she actually gave up on him and left hurts so deeply that Stiles is openly sobbing, baring his hurt soul to anyone who happens to walk by as he wails, gasping out apologizes that Lydia will never hear. ‘This is what I wanted, her as far away from me as possible so she stays safe. So why does it hurt so fucking much?’ The agent thinks, pressing his face against the floor, his vision blurry from his tears as he cries until he’s too exhausted to do anything more than close his eyes and drift off. 

Anna blinks the tears in her eyes away as she listens to her partner and best friend cry himself to sleep, her back pressed up against the wall beside his cell and her hand wrapped tightly around the trembling hand of the Red headed girl beside her. A thought that her hair is actually strawberry blonde that sounds just like Stiles drifts through her mind as the two girls listen to his breathing evening out until they are sure he is asleep before they silently enter his cell. Quietly unlocking the door the dark skinned magician makes her way to her unconscious partner’s side, carefully pushing his greasy hair out of his face before frowning at the dark circles under his swollen eyes. Stiles looks like absolute shit and it breaks Anna’s heart to see him like this, so small and terrified instead of the confident badass she knows him to be. Her partner whimpers in his sleep, muttering out choked apologies as he twists in his restraints causing her to gently shush him, running her hand through his hair until he settles back down before she sends a sad look towards Lydia. The banshee’s eyes are bloodshot and swollen from crying and hurt radiates from her entire being as she watches the magician comfort and touch her boyfriend, something Lydia wants to do more than anything in the world right now. Gesturing the banshee with her free hand, Anna check to make sure her partner is still asleep before she scoots over to let the banshee settle near his head. Watching carefully as Lydia touches Stiles’ face with gentle hands, Anna can't help but let out a sigh of relief when her partner unconsciously leans into his girlfriend’s touch, breathily whispering her name before pressing closer to her in his sleep. 

“We can't stay much longer Red. I'm not sure how long he’ll be asleep for and I don't know about you but I don't want a repeat of last time.” 

Anna whispers, pushing down the guilt that flares up in her chest when she catches sight of the sad look on Lydia’s face before the banshee gives her a small miserable nod. Pushing Stiles’ hair out of his face after it had fallen when he had moved closer to her, Lydia leans down to brush her lips against his cracked, bruised lips in a soft kiss as she whispers against his mouth that she loves him, pleading him to come back to her before she quietly follows Anna out of his cell and down the hall towards the parking garage.

The lights were dim when Stiles blinked awake, a weird feeling pulses in the back of his mind that he doesn’t understand as he rolls onto his back, his side uncomfortable and a little numb from lying on it for so long. Staring at the ceiling as he tries to get his bearings, blinking the sleep out of his sore eyes, the young agent misses the strawberry blonde girl tense up in the corner of the visitor’s booth. Sluggishly shifting to get comfortable Stiles tilts his head towards the visitor’s booth, not expecting anyone since he assumed it was either really late or very early based on the lights before freezing when his eyes focuses on the curled up form of his girlfriend. Neither of the them breath as they stare at each other, their bodies frozen in place before panic wells up in Stiles’ chest and sends him scurrying as far as his restraints will let him, twisting away from Lydia. He can feel his lungs struggle to get air as his breathing loses its rhythm and becomes laboured while his mind begins to spiral and his body begins to tremble. He can hear his girlfriend calling him, her voice raising in decimals the longer he ignores her before she is practically screaming for him to just look at her. Stiles isn't even sure he could turn to look at the banshee if he wanted to, his body going numb and his mind beginning to shut down as he experiences one of the worst panic attacks he’s had in years. Black spots begin to invade his vision as he vaguely hears his name being called and the pounding of feet against tiles reaches his ear before the blackness consumes him. 

Soft voices graces his ears as he slowly wakes up, his body exhausted and heavy from his panic attack and what he assumes are whatever drugs his doctors administered that makes everything feel floaty. He’s just able to recognize the voices in time to stop himself from rolling over, controlling his breathing as much as he can when Lydia calls for him again. Her voice rough as if she had been crying recently and the sound of it both breaks his heart and strengthens his resolve. Stiles keeps his back turned to her, ignoring her then and everyday day after, resolved to keep her safe from him until one day Anna bursts into his cell.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STILINSKI? HUH? DID YOU BREAK SOMETHING IN THAT DUMBASS HEAD OF YOURS?” 

Stiles hears Anna scream as she storms into his cell barely giving the human time to even turn to face her before the furious magician is hauling him off the padded floor and slamming him against the wall, her face twisted in anger while she glares viciously at him. Squirming in her tight hold Stiles’ eyes are wide as he meets his partner’s gaze, his mind struggling to figure out what he did to piss the other agent off so badly before he glances behind her to make sure Lydia isn’t there, having been tricked once before by the two girls. That seems to piss the other agent off even further, slamming her partner into the wall again before yelling at him. 

“She’s not there and if you don’t stop acting like a fucking asshole soon she's never going to be there again! DO YOU UNDERSTAND STILINSKI? IS ANY OF THIS CLICKING IN THAT STUPID HEAD OF YOURS YET?”

An agonizing flash of heartbreak flares in his chest at the idea of Lydia leaving for good even through his brain tells him it’s what needs to happen to keep her safe. The young agent curls into himself the best he can with his partner pressing him painfully into the padded wall, his heart and mind at war with each other as he takes in the magician’s words. His mind is screaming at him, reminding him that Lydia is safer far away from him, that he can’t hurt her anymore if she’s gone from his life while his heart pleads with him to go to his girlfriend’s side, arguing that he won’t survive losing her. He can hear his partner continue her rant, shaking him as she rips into him before stilling when he lifts his gaze to her.

“Maybe she should leave…at least that way she’ll be safe and I can’t hurt her anymore.”

Stiles mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut as his heart clenches painfully and a tear slides down his cheek before he is thrown to the floor. The human groans as his head bounces painfully against the padded floor, almost positive that Anna is boosting her strength with her magic before the girl is on him, slamming her fist against his cheek. The magician lands two more hits to his face before her fists grasp the fabrics of his restraining jacket and she is pulling him up close to her face to meet her eyes. 

“I don’t know how badly that siren scrambled your noggin but how the in the holy fuck can’t you see that you’re hurting Red now by acting like this?”

Anna snarls in his face, shaking him as if it will somehow reinforce her words in his head, calling him an idiot and muttering what he assumes are more curses in Italian under her breath before she hits him again. The force of her punch sends him flying back into the floor, the padding barely breaking his fall as he groans out in pain, his entire body feeling like one huge bruise. 

“Anns…you don’t understand…”

“SO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND STI! MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE SO DETERMINED TO PUSH THE BEST THING IN YOUR LIFE AWAY?”

“BECAUSE I ALMOST FUCKING KILLED HER WITH MY BARE HANDS AFTER I FUCKING CHEATED ON HER! BECAUSE I CAN REMEMBER EVEN SINGLE FUCKING MOMENT OF FUCKING THAT SIREN AND TRYING TO KILL LYDIA AND NOT EVEN CARING THAT SHE WAS BEGGING ME TO STOP. AND IT’S LIKE IT’S ON REPEAT IN MY BRAIN EVERY SINGLE NIGHT LIKE BAD RERUNS, REPEATING OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I WANNA PUKE. EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER AND HEAR HER VOICE ALL I CAN THINK OF IS GETTING AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE SO I CAN PROTECT FROM MYSELF! WHY DO YOU THINK IM STILL CHAINED TO THE FUCKING FLOOR? I BEGGED THEM TO KEEP IT THERE SO I COULDN’T HURT HER AGAIN!”

Stiles screams, his voice cracking as relief floods through him when some of the tension plaguing his mind for the last few weeks begins to disappear once he finally voices the thoughts and fears he’s been having. The human releases a distressed sob, pressing his face into the floor padding as fat tears run continuously down his cheeks, waiting for his partner’s response before flinching when she calls his name, her voice so soft he almost misses it. He can feel her hands pushing the hair out of his face as she maneuvers him into a seated position in front of her before she kneels down to meet his red bloodshot eyes. 

“M you know that wasn’t you, right? And that crap about you not caring is absolute fucking bull your brain conjured while high out of your mind on pain meds and siren venom. Lydia told me you started to break through the Siren’s venom, she said you were crying and struggling against the siren's twisted orders, forcing that thing to pump more poison in you so she could control you. Whatever you remember dude, it’s all twisted and warped because of the venom, all the thoughts you’ve had since you broke out of the Siren’s influence are just side effects from the poison.”

“I-I just don’t want to hurt her again, she means everything to me Anns. I just…I, I’m so afraid of hurting her again.”

“You already are M. Physical wounds they heal but the way you’re hurting her right now, if you’re not careful she might never heal from those.” 

Stiles’ breathe hitches at his partner’s words, wincing at the look she levels him when he avoids her gaze. Anna flashes him an annoyed look as she leaves, his cheek swollen and bleeding from her punches before she spins around and slams her fist against his face once more. The human groans out in pain, shuffling away from his pissed off partner who tells him that Lydia wasn’t the only one he hurt, just the one he remembers hurting and that if he doesn’t shape up he’s going to lose her forever before the magician storms out of his cell, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Stiles figures he must of hurt the magician while under the siren’s song and resolves to ask the director about what happened the next time he sees him so he can apologize to his partner. He figured those hits Anna gave him were probably for both how he’s been acting with Lydia and for whatever he did to her while not in control of himself. The revelation that he had hurt Anna and others on top of hurting Lydia makes him sick to his stomach as memories of his time possessed by the Nogitsune flood his mind and remind him of all the people he’s hurt. Stiles hates that Anna and Lydia have now been added to that long list, that two of his most important people have been hurt by him regardless of whether he was in control of himself or not. He understands their arguments that it wasn’t him, that he would never do the things he had been made to do but to the human there was no difference, it had been his hands that had hurt those people during his possession and his hands that hurt Lydia and Anna while under the siren’s control. He had thought, despite not wanting to lose her, that keeping Lydia away from him would be the best option to protect her but after his confrontation with Anna he isn’t so sure anymore. He needs to talk to someone about the turmoil in his mind but the only one he wants to talk to is Lydia and the human has no idea if she is even going to come back after what an asshole he's been. Stiles isn’t sure how long he’s been wallowing in self-doubt and guilt, he figures it must have been a while since the doctors has come by twice to give him an new IV and treat his bleeding cheek when the familiar clicking reaches his ears. Twisting so he’s leaning against the back wall and facing the visitor’s booth, Stiles watches as Lydia walks in dejectedly as if she’s expecting him to be still ignoring her. The surprise and shock on her face and the look in her eyes are almost too much for him to handle as the memories of that night begin to play in his mind, forcing him to slam his eyes closed and tilt forward while he desperately tries to push them back. Stiles can feel himself trembling as he struggles to not succumb to the pull of his memories, sucking in a strangled breath as he opens his eyes, keeping them pointed to the ground and whispers his girlfriend’s name. 

“Lydia…I-I’m sorry…m'so fucking sorry baby.”

Stiles can feel his voice cracking as he pushes past the guilt and fear choking him so he can apologize to her. He needs his girlfriend to know how sorry he is for everything; the cheating, the attack, his venom filled threats, his behaviour, how he’s still hurting her, everything. He shakes his head viciously when he hears Lydia tell him that it’s ok, snarling that none of it is ok before whispering another apology when she flinches at his tone. 

“How…how are you still here, still by my side even after everything I did? After I betrayed you, almost killed you, fuck baby I’ve literally have done nothing but hurt you since I woke up?”

“Because it wasn’t you Sti, it was…”

“BUT IT WAS! IT WAS MY HANDS, MY BODY THAT DID THOSE THINGS! JUST BECAUSE I WASN’T IN CONTROL DOESN’T MEAN IT WASN’T STILL ME.”

Stiles yells, curling forward as he sobs, his chest pulsing painfully from the guilt swirling around inside him. Lydia says nothing as he sobs, staying quiet while he chokes out apology after apology until he finally begins to calm down, his chest feeling lighter than it has since he woke up. 

“Stiles I’m here because I love you, because despite everything that happened I know you would never doing something like this while in your right mind and because despite what you may think, it’s not your fault. And unless you tell me right here, right now that you don’t love me and want me gone from your life then I’m not going anywhere.”

“Lyds…”

“Is that the case Stiles? Are you acting like this because you don’t love me anymore?”

“No! That’s not…Lyds I love you more than anything…I…”

“Then I’m not going anywhere Sti, now do you think you can you please look at me?”

Stiles’ entire body had frozen when Lydia asked him if he still loved her, his heart wildly beating out of control as he desperately tried to convince her that it wasn’t true, that he loved her more than anything in the world and he had only wanted to protect her from himself. His head had briefly whipped up to look at her while he was rambling, catching sight of the beautiful banshee’s face before he had to look away when the memories threatened to overtake him again. The young agent sucks in a breath as he pushes back the memories, flinching slightly when he hears Lydia ask him to look at her before he steals himself and drags his eyes towards her, only to quickly look away from her face when he feels his panic in his chest grow. Licking his dry lips Stile's steels himself once more before he tries to look at his girlfriend, settling to stare at her legs when he nearly throws up from the surge of panic and fear that floods his chest from looking at her face. 

“I…I can’t…I’m trying, I swear baby but I…I…” 

His eyes are wide and his face twisted in pain as he desperately tries to explain it to his girlfriend, tries so hard to get out what is going on in his head so she could just know. He wants, no, needs her to believe him, to understand that he wants nothing more than to look at her, to hold her close and proclaim his love for her to the heavens above but the fear and panic that flare up in his chest paralyses him and leave him unable to move or even breathe. Tears drip down his cheeks as his shoulders tremble, his eyes squeezing shut from the guilt he feels before he turns his eyes back towards his girlfriend when she clears her throat, making sure he doesn’t meet her eyes in order to keep the panic away. 

“Stiles…are we, are we going to be ok?” 

“I want us to be Lyds…I swear I do…I, I just need time.”

Stiles whispers, his chest hurting as he shifts and lies down facing his girlfriend as she responds. A soft smile spreads across his face as he listens to her soothing voice before he asks her to just talk to him, missing hearing her talk about her day and her research. Lydia nods slowly, her voice soft as she settles onto a pillow in the corner of the booth and begins talking about her day and the Master’s program she’s been accepted into. Something settles in him as the human listens to the banshee talk, responding here and there when she asked him a question or he feels the need to make a comment but mostly staying quiet, content to listen and let melodic voice wash over him, soothing his chaotic mind. The sense of normalcy that chatting with Lydia brings him soothes something in Stiles that he hadn't realized was hurting and by the time his girlfriend has to head home, he’s able to look at her face as long as he doesn't look in her eyes. Saying their goodbyes Stiles whispers out that he loves her, smiling softly at the bright grin that spreads across Lydia’s face as she's leaves. 

Over the next few days Stiles is deemed safe enough to be moved from his padded cell to a private hospital room before he has to go through a series checkups and tests to make sure his ribs have healed properly, his head injury has left no lasting effects and that the last of venom is finally out of his system. The agent hadn't even realized his ribs had been fractured and had punctured a lung or that he had had a severe head injury until his doctor had made a comment about that the healing spells woven into his restraining jacket doing their job when he had removed it. Stiles hadn't realized just how close he had come to dying, his mind focusing on Lydia the entire time instead but hearing his doctor talk about how lucky he was has him rattled, his mind swirling with what ifs and numerous alternate scenarios. His mind is spinning so fast he barely catches what Dr. DeMantis tells him about the left over side effects from the venom he will still have and need to work through, dumbly nodding as he’s handed a prescription that he needs to get filled one floor down before he sent to meet with Anna and their boss. The Director had gone over his next steps for recovery which had been decided on being mandatory, department supplied therapy, both mental and physical, and desk duty until his therapist clears him for active duty again. His partner had volunteered to take him home and keep an eye on him until his new department issued condo was ready. The two of them had picked up his prescription and made their way to the magician’s car silently, the tension from their fight still present until Stiles clears his throat once they are in the vehicle. 

“I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much since I can't remember what I'm apologizing for and probably will never be able to remember but Anns…you gotta know how sorry I am. You’re my partner and one of my closest friends and it kills me to know I hurt you. God Anna I…” 

“I forgive you Sti. I forgave you the moment we realized what was going on, I'm just glad we got to you in time and that you're ok.”

“I don't know about ok but I'm here and it's thanks to you. Thank you A, thank you for having my back and for saving me and Lydia. I don't know what I'd do without you.” 

“Probably die.” 

Anna laughs as she lightly punches her partner in the arm, snorting when he lets out an undistinguishable squawk, flailing in his seat before flashing an annoyed scowl at her that melts into a fond smile. Flashing her own smile the dark skinned agent reaches out and tightly grasps her partner’s hand, squeezing it to remind herself that her best friend is alive and safe before she reverses and heads out of the parking garage. 

“Anytime M. Now let's go home.” 

Anna's department issued apartment is a lot like his own, small but practical. The layout is designed with the optimal means for an agent to defend themselves from a threat and have a secondary means of escape via the bedroom balconies. The kitchen and living space are divided by a small half wall, with the entrance opening into the living room. There are two bedrooms and a bathroom down the hall and wrapped around the corner. Since Anna’s unit is in one of the corners of the building she has numerous windows spread throughout the living room and both bedrooms that fill the apartment with tons of natural light and gives the place a warm tone. Stiles vaguely wonders about his and Lydia’s apartment, trying to imagine what their new one will look like before he's broken out of his train of thoughts when his girlfriend walks into the room. He wasn't sure where he thought Lydia had been staying the last two months, his mind was and still is a bit of mess, but the fact that she's been staying with Anna makes a lot of sense. Stiles flinches and steps back as the banshee rushes forward after she catches sight of him before moving away from her, ignoring the hurt look on her face as he does. The human can feel his panic growing rapidly at being so close to his girlfriend without the acrylic wall and restraints separating them, his fingers shaking as he follows Anna to his temporary room before he notices Lydia’s things on the dresser. 

“Is Lydia…Are we…together?”

Stiles can barely get his words out once the realization hits him that he and Lydia would be sharing the room, the memories of his attack on his girlfriend playing before his eyes, only this time they are playing out in this room and ends with the banshee dead. The agent can see his partner’s lips moving as she turns towards him, her face shifting into a look of fear and concern but he can't hear anything except for Lydia’s begging and pleas from that night. The air feels like it's been sucked right out of his lungs and his body goes numb, his bag slipping from his fingers as the panic and fear consumes him before he's screaming and lashing out when a hand touches him from behind, dread filling him when he realizes he'd attacked Lydia. The world tilts on its axis and the room spins as he catches the scared look on Lydia’s face, her eyes wide while she holds her arm close to her chest and stares at him like he's a wild animal before black dots begin to fill his view. Slowing backing away from his girlfriend, Stiles wheezes out a stuttered apology before his legs give out from under him and he collapses, passing from the lack of air. The last thing he sees is Lydia’s panic ridden face as she rushes towards him before the world turns black. 

Stiles wakes up to blinding lights, the stinging smell of disinfectant and a splitting headache that threatens to rip his brain in two, groaning as he shifts his body, trying to get comfortable in the too hard mattress before giving up and slumping into his hospital bed. The young FBI agent tilts his head towards the door when he hears a light knock, groaning out for whoever it is to come in before his entire body freezes, his spine locking into place as Lydia opens the door. 

“Don’t…”

His voice cracks as the panic starts to build up in his chest, easing only slightly when his girlfriend takes a step out of the hospital room, her face twisted with hurt before she’s calling for someone out of sight. The tension fades from his body and his body relaxes into his pillow as Anna, the Director and Dr. DeMantis enter the room, his mind now calm knowing he won’t be alone with the banshee. Stiles can feel his girlfriend’s eyes watching him and purposely keeps his gaze away from hers, feeling guilty for lashing out at her during his panic attack. He can see Anna frown out of the corner of his eye and knows she’s definitely not happy with how he’s acting, knowing with certainty he’s in for another lecture from the Afro-Italian. Stiles’ shoulders drops as he resigns himself to his fate and curls his hands into his lap before turning his focus onto his doctor.

“So Agent Stilinski, you had quite the panic attack there. Do you have any idea what set it off?”

“Yeah…”

Stiles licks his dry lips as he mutters his answer, taking a quick look at his girlfriend before turning his gaze towards his lap when he catches sight of the large bandage on her arm. Swallowing the lump in his throat Stiles looks up at Dr. DeMantis who has an eyebrow raised and making a go on gesture, opening his mouth to continue before flinching when Lydia moves beside him. The hurt look in her eyes has him stuttering out an apology while inching as far away from the upset banshee as he can on the tiny hospital bed. The distance between himself and Lydia consumes his focus to the point where Stiles misses the calculating look on the doctor’s face, startling when the man clears his throat and starts motion Anna and their boss to follow him.

“Well since Agent Stilinski doesn’t feel inclined to sharing today we should let the couple have some alone time, if you two would please follow me?”

“NO!!”

Stiles yells as he lunges forward to grab Anna’s wrist in a bruising grip, his eyes wild and full of fear while he silently begs his partner not to leave him alone with the banshee, his body trembling from the growing panic in his chest. He can hear his girlfriend take a sharp breath as she takes a step back from him, hurt radiating from her being but the young agent keeps his eyes on his partner, praying to any higher power out there that’s listening that the magician will understand. Dr. DeMantis makes a low humming sound as he stands back and observes while Director Rodriguez demands to know what’s happening. 

“It appears my theory has been proven correct. Are you feeling a heightened sense of panic Agent Stilinski? Does this feeling happen only around Miss Martin?”

Stiles’ hand around his partner’s wrist trembles at the doctor’s questions as he lowers his head and tries to curl into himself, shame washing over him before he weakly nods, his words stuck in his throat. He refuses to look at his girlfriend, not sure if he can handle the hurt look he just knows has to be spread across her face. 

“Are you feeling the panic now?”

“N-No, it only…I only feel it when I’m alone with her without something or someone to keep her safe.”

“What do you mean be that?”

“I…it didn’t flare up in the cell until she tried to come past the acrylic wall. It also didn’t get really bad until I realized we’d be sharing a room. I-I just kept thinking about how she wouldn’t be safe and then it got hard to breathe and everything went black.” 

The doctor makes a noise of acknowledgement after he finishes speaking before Dr. DeMantis pulls the Director and Anna off to a corner of the room to speak quietly. Stiles can feel his pulse starting to speed up when Lydia moves to sit in the chair next to his bed, his body tense as he stares at her from the corner of his eye.

“I’m so sorry Stiles. I didn’t even think about it when Anna said she was bringing you home. I…”

Stiles’ heart feels like it’s about to shatter into a million pieces as he hears Lydia’s apology get cut off as she tries to choke back her tears. ‘She shouldn’t be the one apologizing, it should be me. This is all my fault.’ The human thinks as he starts to reach out to comfort his girlfriend before pulling his hand back as if he’d been burned when the panic flares painfully in his chest. Breathing through it Stiles does his best to push the panic aside, the need to comfort his strawberry goddess outweighing his fear.

“Lyds…it’s not your fault baby. God it’s so far from you fault it’s not even funny. Please don’t cry Lyds, this is all my fucking fault, not yours. God Lyds I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Stiles whispers, his eyes snapping shut as a vortex of crushing guilt wells up inside him and threatens to swallow him whole; Guilt for cheating on the beautiful woman before him, guilt for hurting her, guilt for almost killing the banshee and guilt for still hurting her with his issues. The human cautiously opens his eyes when he hears his girlfriend softly calling his name, his fingers twisting the thin hospital sheets as he fidgets nervously, waiting for the moment Lydia announces that they’re done.

“Stiles…what are you…baby it’s barely been two months since you were attacked, how on earth is any of this your fault?”

“I should have realized it wasn’t you, should have known.”

“How could you have possibly known Sti?”

“Dunno but I should have.”

Lydia falls quiet at that, quickly realizing that they're going to get nowhere at the rate they’re going especially considering her boyfriend is a stubborn little shit and pushing him now will only make everything worse. The banshee knows once a thought takes root in Stiles’ mind there’s no getting rid of it until he’s worked it to the ground and figured it out for himself, she just hopes her boyfriend works it out sooner rather than later. The two of them sit in tense silence while they wait for the hushed corner conversation to finish, neither of them knowing what to say to the other, fortunately they don’t have to wait much longer as the small group breaks and heads towards them. Director Rodriguez walks back towards his injured agent, a sad look on his face as he takes in Stiles’ ragged state, feeling partly responsible for what happened to his young agent. 

“Due to this development we are going to revise some things in your recovery plan Stilinski. Instead of the bed rest we had planned for you to do at home, you’re going to come into headquarters and rest in one of the hospital rooms along with starting your mandatory therapy earlier than planned. These sessions will happen on Saturday and Sunday as well and we will send someone to pick you up since I don’t want you driving until we’re sure you’ve recovered enough for active duty. Understood?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good, get some rest kid. I’ll send Dr. Amolo in later for your first session.”

Nodding Stiles leans back against his pillow, feeling run down before turning his gaze towards his girlfriend, his heart hurting at how small the usually confident banshee looks. ‘God I did that to her. She deserves so much better than me.’ He thinks sadly as Lydia tries to flash what he thinks is supposed to be a reassuring smile, though it doesn’t quite have that effect when it can’t quite reach her eyes. His boss and doctor leave the three of them alone to talk amongst themselves, mentioning that Anna and Lydia are allowed to stay until Dr. Amolo shows up. The three of them discuss the details of how they are going to live together amongst Stiles’ recovery, deciding that he will take the spare room and Lydia will move into Anna’s room with her for the time being. Stiles isn’t thrilled about the idea of his girlfriend sleeping with someone else, suggesting that he can just sleep on the couch before he is quickly shut down by both women.

“Stilinski you just went through something extremely traumatic and you’re going to need your own space that you can feel safe in and that’s the end of this discussion. Besides I’m not going to steal your girlfriend, you know I’m into to brunettes, no offense Red.” 

“None taken, you’re not really my type either. You’re missing some key parts.”

Lydia jokes, wiggling a finger at the magician, giggling as her eyes drift towards her boyfriend who snorts, mildly amused by the two girl’s banter before flashing him a soft smile that he quickly returns. The atmosphere is so calm and familiar that Lydia almost forgets about everything that’s happened, only to be remind when Stiles flinches slightly when she leans forward to fix her skirt. After that the easy air between them disappears and they fall into an awkward silence that none of them know how to breach. The banshee watches as Stiles opens and closes his mouth a few times before he quickly gives up, his face twisting with dark emotions. The look on his face breaks her heart and the banshee wants so desperately to reach out and ease that look on his face but his flinching and potential panic attack keep her hands by her side. She catches his hand start to reach out towards her but he never gets close before he’s pulling back, as if he’s afraid she’ll shatter if he touches her. The loss of touch between them hurts, feeling like her boyfriend is so far from her reach that he’ll never be in her arms even though he’s sitting right in front of her. A sudden knock to the door breaks their heavy silence as a young woman, only a few years older than them enters the room with a huge grin.

“Hello I’m Dr. Amolo, I’m guessing you must be Agent Stilinski, Agent Di’Monteleo and Miss Martin?” 

Getting a quick confirmation from the small group Dr. Amolo nods and informs the two girls that her session with Stiles is about to begin and for privacy reasons they will need to head out. The two girls say their goodbyes to Stiles with Anna letting him know that she’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to bring him home again and Lydia sending him a soft loving smile as they gather their things. 

“Oh by the way girls, Director Rodriguez mentioned that if either of you need any sessions as well for what happened to just let me know.”

The therapist says, handing the girls her card as they leave before shutting the door behind them and turning her attention to the young agent shifting nervously on the hospital bed. The doctor strides over towards Stiles, dropping comfortably into the chair beside his bed and kicking her legs up before flashing the agent a bright smile. 

“How about we spend today getting to know each other before we start working through everything?”

“Sounds good Doc.” 

“Excellent!”

The two of them spend the rest of the afternoon getting to know each other, trading stories and jokes as they get comfortable with each other. Dr. Amolo, Stiles finds, is easy to talk to, her calm easy going nature settles some nerves he hadn't realized where there and gives the young FBI agent hope for an easier recovery. He is just finishing a story about a case he and Anna had tagged along on during their final weeks of their internship where the two of them had ended up riding on the back of a furious yeti through the mountains of Colorado when the therapist throws him a bit of a curveball. 

“Stiles I'd like to talk about your relationship with Lydia and the issues you've been having since your run in with the siren.” 

Stiles startles at Dr. Amolo’s words and jolts back away from the doctor as if he’d been burned, his jaw dropped in shock that the therapist had switched the tone of their session so suddenly. It makes the agent a bit nervous to lay his and Lydia’s relationship out in the open to someone he just met, especially after what they had just gone through with the siren. His nerves must be fully on display across his face since his therapist flashes him a reassuring smile and tells him that it’s ok if he’s not ready to talk about it yet, stating that they can come back to it another day before she calls their first session to a close. Despite the easy smiles on the doctor’s face Stiles can’t help but feel disappointed in himself, muttering out an apology as he slumps against his pillow feeling like he ruined everything with his hesitation. 

“Stiles there’s nothing to be sorry for, you went through something very traumatic and it’s not something you can’t just get over. It will take time for you to heal and you will have set backs during that process but I promise you it will eventually get better. Now get some rest I will see you bright and early tomorrow for our next session before you’re released.”

Dr. Amolo says, a soft smile on her face as she gently pats his leg before leaving him alone in his hospital room. The rest of the day passes by with little activity aside from a visit from Dr. DeMantis to check in on him and a nurse who delivers some food for him. The next morning passes in a similar fashion and before Stiles knew it he was finishing up his second session with Dr. Amolo, feeling a bit raw and ready to go home. The therapist had focused their session on what he could remember from his run in with the siren, with an emphasis on his rape. When Dr. Amolo had brought it up after he had finished going over what he could remember Stiles had immediately dismissed her, the concept so foreign to him until the therapist’s words started to sink in. He had been so firm in his belief that what he had done with the siren was nothing short of a betrayal of his and Lydia’s relationship, tearing apart any last shred of trust between them. He had been so consumed with guilt over cheating on the banshee and the pain he had caused her, the agent hadn’t even stop to think about what had been done to him. The realization had left him shaken, his mind spinning as it tried to process everything he was feeling. His therapy session had ended on a long discussion on some of the effects PTSD could have on his body, and some of the lingering side effects from the Siren’s venom, specifically warning him about the sexual, intimate and psychological issues that are commonly experienced when recovering from this sort of thing. Dr. Amolo ended their talk with emphasizing the importance of recognizing any potential triggers, avoiding them and what to do when triggered. A pit forms in his stomach when the human realized that one of his triggers was clearly his proximity to Lydia, his gut twisting at the thought of never being able to get close to or hold the beautiful strawberry blonde who holds his heart. Stiles is completely lost in thought, sitting on his hospital bed in the clothes Anna had dropped off that morning for him when the magician strolls in, a huge grin on her face. 

“You ready to get out of here M? I’m thinking some good old comfort food tonight for dinner, you got any requests?”

“Mmmh…”

Twisting to look at her partner, Anna frowns when she notices that Stiles has yet to move from his spot on the bed, a weird look on his face and his fingers anxiously twisting the hem of his shirt. Moving towards the still man Anna gently shakes his shoulders snapping him out of whatever he had been so consumed by. 

“Sti are you good man? You were giving a stunning rendition of a pod person for a hot sec.”

Snorting at his partner’s terrible attempt at a joke Stiles nods and flashes the concerned girl a fond smile before hoping off the bed and following her out of the hospital room. The two of them make their way towards the parking garage, temporarily chatting with their mentors who express their relief at seeing Stiles up and about. The Afro-Italian magician waits until they are buckled into her car and waiting to pull out of the garage to repeat her question. 

“So how are you seriously M? The way you were acting back in that hospital room had me really worried man.”

Stiles shifts in his seat at his partner’s question, licking his lips apprehensively as he takes a peak at her from the corner of his eye. He had hoped his partner would have forgotten about his lack of answer but the human wasn’t going to be that lucky especially if the look on Anna’s face was anything to go by. Submitting to his fate Stiles lets out a huff and slumps a bit in his seat, his eyes staring out the front window.

“Kinda but I dunno. Dr. Amolo said something in our session today that really rattled me. I hadn’t really thought about what had happened to me. I had been so focused on what I did to Lydia that it hadn’t even occurred to me that…that what it did to me was…you know…”

“Oh...”

“Yeah…”

The two of them sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say to each other. Anna finally finds her voice when it’s the magician’s turn to pull out of the parking garage, turning towards her apartment.

“So what do you want for dinner? Like I said earlier I’m thinking comfort food all the way.”

Stiles opens his mouth ready to announce his desire for curly fries before a long forgotten memory from his early childhood surfaces in his mind, the memory of his mother making him her mother’s recipes when he was sick or upset. The memory of his mother fills him with a vortex of emotions, making him wish he was 5 years old and stuffing his face with her delicious polish dishes all over again. He’s pretty sure he remembers the recipe for the dish he wants, having watched his mom make it from scratch and even making it for her himself when she got sick. When he realizes he’s taken too long to answer the magician Stiles clears his throat and prays he gets the pronunciation right, having not spoken polish since his mom died.

“Naleśniki, it’s a polish crepe filled with sweetened cottage cheese that my mom used to make me when I was sick. That and curly fries.”

"HA! Of course you do, mmmh we’ll need to stop off so we can pick up the ingredients for your crepes and get some more types of cheeses for the mac and cheese I’m making for me and Red.”

“You better get the good stuff or Lydia will never let you live it down.”

"God I made that mistake early when she first moved in and believe me I’ve learned my lesson. What Red wants, Red gets.”

“Sounds about right.”

The two of them snicker and joke between themselves as they turn into the grocery store parking lot, weaving through crowds of people out shopping while they collect the ingredients need for their dinners. The two of them are still joking and laughing with each other when they get home before Stiles freezes up briefly at the sight of Lydia lounging on the couch in the living room as she looks over a stack of papers. Both girls notice the human's brief hesitation in the doorway before he excuses himself and quickly heads into the kitchen to get dinner started, the easy atmosphere the two agents had been enjoying completely gone. The two agents cook in silence while Lydia stays in the living room to work, with Stiles slightly panicking when Anna leaves to go to the bathroom, still feeling a bit raw from his therapy session that morning. Dinner is relatively quiet aside from a few attempts at conversation that simply fizzle out into uncomfortable silence. 

When Lydia announces she’s finished and is heading to wash up Stiles can’t help but feel like slapping himself for being a stupid coward. He wants nothing more than to hear all about his girlfriend’s day and how the beginning of her research is going but the panic in his chest prevents him for continuing a conversation with the banshee for longer than a few seconds. The human watches sadly as Lydia’s back disappears down the hall before pushing his half eaten plate away from him, his appetite suddenly gone as he slumps dejectedly in his seat. Burying his face in his hands Stiles lets out a frustrated sigh before he pushes himself up and begins cleaning up, needing something to keep his hands busy as he struggles with the influx of emotions going through him. 

“Give it time man, you guys will get back to normal eventually.”

Ignoring his partner’ words Stiles quickly cleans up, stacking the leftovers in the fridge before heading off to his room, making sure to keep an ear out in case Lydia makes a sudden appearance. He can’t help but feel upset with himself and his inability to be around the woman he’s loved for as long as he can remember, feeling like the siren broke something so fundamentally important to what makes him, you know, him. Closing the door behind him Stiles presses his back against the wood and slides down, pulling his knees to his chest, taking a few calming breaths before he gives up and cries, his chest hurting from guilt and a plethora of other emotions he doesn’t know how to deal with. He isn’t sure how long he spends crying pressed against the door but his eyes are swollen and puff, and his throat is sore when a knock to the door startles him. Quickly wiping his tears away Stiles clears his throat before answering whoever is on the other side of the door. 

“Y-Yeah?”

He hates the way his voice cracks as he answers, his mind mocking him while he leans back and tries to calm his rapid breathing. The knocker is silent on the other side for a while, making the agent think the knock was only a figment of his imagination until Lydia’s voice rings out. 

“I-I…I just wanted to check up on you. You were so quiet during dinner I just thought…and then I heard you crying…Sti are you ok?” 

A warm feeling blossoms in his chest at the concern in his girlfriend’s voice, the sensation spreading throughout his body and brings a soft smile to his face. Shifting so his side is pressed up against the door and his face resting against the cool wood, soothing him as he puts together his answer. 

“Not really, I had a rough session with Dr. Amolo today and then I completely ruined our night with my stupid brain panicking when I saw you. We were supposed to have a good night, with some good food and I went and ruined everything by being stupid.” 

Stiles says dejectedly, his eyes filling with tears as his mind supplies him with more things he’s ruining, the self-depreciating thoughts pushing him further into the pit of self-loathing he’s currently trapped in. He can feel his heart rate start to pick up as the self-hatred in his chest grows before he’s broken out his spiral by Lydia’s response.

“Stiles you didn’t ruin anything and you’re not stupid baby. You’re injured and probably a little bit traumatized, there’s a difference.” 

Scoffing at the banshee’s straightforward answer Stiles rests his chin on his knees as he wraps his arms around his legs and stares sadly into the dark room while Lydia continues to insist he didn’t do anything wrong. The agent briefly wonders how long it will take Lydia repeating that until he either believes it himself or she stops trying to convince him. He really hopes it’s the former rather than the later, not knowing how he would handle the banshee throwing in the towel and giving up on his pathetic ass. 

“Lyds I couldn’t even get a word out during dinner, let alone ask you how your day was. God I’m such a shitty boyfriend.”

“What’s stopping you now?”

“What?”

Lydia’s question throws him for a loop, his mind struggling to figure out what the banshee means as he stares incredulously at the door. The agent can hear his girlfriend laughing softly at his squeaky response before she repeats herself. 

“Stiles you’re talking to me now just find, so what’s stopping you from asking me how my day was?” 

The fond tone of the strawberry blonde girl's voice has is enough for Stiles to quietly ask her how her day was, a soft smile spreading across his face as he hears her sit down before she launches into a story about the bizarre professor she meet today. The two of them laughing loudly together when the banshee exclaims that he’s apparently going to be the professor she is going to be teaching assistant for and that the frantic man is also the one supervising her research. They talk for over an hour pressed against their respective sides of the bedroom door before Stiles can’t hold back a yawn forcing them to call it a night.

“Goodnight baby, I love you.”

“Love you too Lyds.” 

Stiles stays pressed against the door listening until Lydia is out of earshot, his smile taking a sad turn once he’s alone before he pushes himself off the floor and gets ready for bed. The queen size bed feels empty without his girlfriend lying beside him, causing an ache in his chest as he rolls onto his side and tries to get some sleep. 

The next morning Stiles is exhausted as he drags himself out of bed to get ready to head into headquarters for his mandatory bed rest and therapy, his body heavy from the nightmare riddled broken sleep he managed to get. His daily session with Dr. Amolo goes about the same way as the day before, leaving him rubbed raw and barely able to interact with Lydia until they are once again pressed against different sides of his bedroom door for another nightly chat. It becomes one of his favourite times of the day, something Stiles looks forward to after a hard therapy session, finding comfort in the soothing, angelic voice of his girlfriend while she talks about some complex math thing she’s currently working on. The nightly talks are something so familiar and fundamental to their relationship, having spent at least an hour almost every night talking about their days when they had been living in different states.

Soon Stiles falls into a steady routine, spending his days at headquarters, first for bed rest and therapy sessions before returning to desk duty alongside his sessions by the end of his 1st month living with Anna. His nights are spent getting through quiet dinners and tense movie nights with the highlight of his day being the few hours he spends talking to Lydia through his bedroom door before bed. The panic and nightmares are still present nearly every day but the structure of his routine helps keep them under control. It’s a week into their 2nd month staying with his partner when Stiles feels like he’s made a breakthrough in his recovery, having managed to hold up a few conversations during dinner. He even manages to have his door open during his nightly talks with his girlfriend, with Lydia sitting against the hallway wall and Stiles far across his room leaning up against the glass sliding door to the small balcony attached to his room. The huge smile his girlfriend wears during their nightly chat is well worth the swirl of nerves and panic in his chest that seems to lose strength the longer he spends looking at her smiling face, flashing her his own smile in return. 

Of course when he feels like he’s starting to make progress that’s when the other shoe drops and pulls the rug out from under him.


End file.
